I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My vagina is very pro this idea
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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