And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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