Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
