he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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