Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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