i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i drank out of a bidet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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