My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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