There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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