Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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