im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You are a genius and a whore.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
