sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
