Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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