So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
