He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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