I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
