It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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