I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
