dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
