Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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