I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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