So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
