he wants to bone in the snuggie
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
