What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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