Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
