You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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