I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
