"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
