the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
