I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
