we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
