can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
