Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
