When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
