Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
