I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
