just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
