I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
