Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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