What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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