why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
