Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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