why didn't you poke me back
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
