I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
