fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
