After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
