A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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