I wanna passion pit in your ass
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
