A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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