i wish my penis had a tongue
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
