I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
